Bag of Bell (Vol. 4): My dinner with Mark Dantonio, the Michigan result I'd most like to change, favorite episodes of "The Office" and my best attempt to save the world
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I come with great news: There aren’t any Survivor questions this week. You’re welcome. This is probably the most balanced mailbag I’ve had to date in terms of Michigan/sports questions and non-sports questions. I truly don’t have a preference as to which direction this goes — I’m just choosing the questions that seem most interesting to me at the time. So keep submitting your questions (Twitter reply, Twitter DM, response to an article on here or via e-mail [bagofbell@gmail.com]) and help shape what types of topics I tackle on here. Thanks to everyone who has subscribed and engaged so far. This has been a nice break from the monotony of a pandemic for me, and hopefully it’s helped provide a little entertainment for y’all.
On to this week’s questions:
E-mail question from Devin Galvin:
If you had the chance to have dinner with three athletes (dead or alive), who would they be?
Well let’s get this out of the way out front: I’d definitely only choose people that are alive. Picking a dead guy would really put a damper on the evening, particularly when it comes to socializing. The smell, ambiance and general vibe through dinner would also be problematic.
When I thought about how I’d answer this, most of the people that came to mind weren’t athletes. So I’m going to take some creative licensing with this question and have both a sports and a non-sports foursome for this answer.
Dinner guests: Non-sports edition
Guest 1: Dwayne Johnson. I’m not even a wrestling fan. Sure, we all had that stage in middle school where we’d crotch chop the crossing guard and pretend we were in DX, but I outgrew that phase pretty quickly (OK, and the process was expedited when people made fun of me when they found out I had a whole toy bin full of wrestling action figures and even one of those rings you could have pretend matches for them in). But even though the wrestling ship sailed for me a decade-plus ago, I’d have a hard time choosing three people and not including The Rock, who seems like our generation’s version of the Most Interesting Man In The World. He seems incredibly down to earth relative to the baseline set by most people of his stature. He’d be a great dinner guest and someone to just throw a few beers back with and shoot the shit. And he’s a great entrepreneurial mind, so maybe I could learn something in the process. Oh and he’s starting a tequila company so maybe he’d be a pal and leave his host a couple cases.
Guest 2: Anthony Jeselnik. Dinner is only as good as the conversation that accompanies it. And while I might be able to hold court at my table of sports guests, I wouldn’t be up for the task at this dinner. That’s where Jeselnik comes in. I not only consider the guy to be hilarious. I think he’s legitimately brilliant, too. His quick wit is something to be admired, but it’s his ability to write punchy, quick jokes and construct smart sets that bring him to the next level in my book. And I think having him at dinner would give an opportunity to get a peek behind the curtain into the real Jeselnik. The on-stage persona is great, but it would be really interesting to learn more about the real Jeselnik, too. He gives a bit of a glimpse into that world on his podcast (specifically at the end of each episode, when he recommends a form of pop culture to listeners and almost every thing is a pretty fascinating piece of literature), and it would be cool to peel those layers back even a little bit more.
Guest 3: Stephen M. Ross. Seems like he’d be a good person to get on my good side. It would help that we’d have a lot of shared interests. And hopefully by the end of the dinner, we’d have another shared interest: Me becoming really rich.
Dinner guests: Sports edition
Guest 1: Tom Izzo. An absolute legend. Easy choice. As a young dad and likely future coach of some of my sons’ sports teams, it would be great to pick up a few pointers on how to connect with today’s youth in a respectable manner that allows me to keep my dignity.
Guest 2: Mark Dantonio. What’s a dinner party without Mr. Personality himself? Outside of his jocular demeanor and the likelihood that we’d hit it off right away given our respect for each other’s institutions, I’m always worried about having people flake out on me for dinners. So including Dantonio and locking in that RSVP beforehand would eliminate any worry of a no-show. Don’t underestimate the value of peace of mind.
Guest 3: OJ Simpson. Given choices 1 and 2, I decided to get strategic with my third choice. It’s always good to have a little protection in case tempers flare. And if anyone saw OJ play football, that guy was great at picking up blitzes.
Twitter question from Brad Ritt:
At first glance, I thought this would be an easy question. But the more I gave thought to it, the more possible answers I talked myself into.
Here are the four justifiable answers I came up with, along with pros and cons of each selection. And I kept it to this century just for the sake of simplicity (and to keep my PTSD to a minimum).
Michigan vs. Villanova, basketball, 2018:
Pros: It’s a national title game. I don’t care how much of a juggernaut your athletic department may be, you don’t get many chances to play for the biggest prize in your respective sport. The 2018 team had a dream run to the finals, and a title would have wrapped a pretty little bow on the John Beilein era — giving him the title he very much deserves after all his years of coaching, and doing so the right way.
Cons: Probably the worst of the four Michigan teams listed in this list. Changing this outcome wouldn’t be righting a wrong or solving an injustice.
Michigan vs. Ohio State, football, 2016:
Pros: Michigan should have won this game, so you’d really be doing history a favor and cleaning up the record books. This was the best season of Michigan football in a decade, with the Wolverines being a top-5 team from Week 2 until the week after this “loss.” Giving Michigan the win would have made the Wolverines the class of the Big Ten during a 2016 season that might have been the Big Ten’s strongest season ever, with four teams in the top 8 of the CFP the week after The Game. The trajectory of the program in 2017 and beyond likely would have been different.
Cons: Some of the competition in this hypothetical exercise would have handed Michigan a national title. Giving Michigan the win in this game would have still put the Wolverines three wins from a national title, with Wisconsin (B1G title game), Clemson (CFP semis) and Alabama (CFP title game) all waiting. Winning The Game would have been nice, but Michigan probably wasn’t winning that natty regardless.
Michigan vs. Louisville, basketball, 2013
Pros: Like the first entry, changing this result would have handed Michigan a national title in basketball — its first in almost a quarter century. The 2013 is probably the Michigan team that most “deserved” a national title since The Fab Five days. And there’s a certain karmic element in play, too, with Louisville being the title game opponent.
Cons: Knowing what happened after 2013 (four Sweet 16s in the next six years, including another run to a title game and a separate Elite 8 appearance), this is probably the result of the four that a Michigan program least needed. The title would have been great, but the program remained healthy (and in some ways, became even stronger) in subsequent years.
Michigan vs. Ohio State, football, 2006
Pros: This was the “biggest” of the four games. I know the two hoops games were for national titles, but nothing beats football when it comes to interest/relevance in college sports. And the likelihood of this matchup ever being No. 1 vs. No. 2 to close the season again is getting increasingly small. Furthermore, the postseason setup in 2006 was different than the present day, and a win in this game would have put Michigan in a winner-take-all game for the national title, something that has obviously alluded the program in the BCS/CFP eras.
Cons: Even though it ended as just a three-point loss on the road, this game wasn’t as close as the 2016 game by any objective measure (but would it really have killed you not to hit Troy Smith as he was heading out of bounds, Crable?). It’s also a game that happened more than a decade ago. The more time grows between this game and the present, the less relevant it is.
I guess it comes down to this: If you’re trying to reward the team most deserving of the result as a prize, then the choice is 2016 Michigan football (JT was short), with the 2013 hoops team coming in a close second (the block was clean). If you’re an instant gratification type person, take the 2018 national title game — it’s the most recent game and we’d be the most likely to still be in the wake of ripple effects of the win. But if you want to go back and compete for a title and see how differently the dominoes would have fallen, then go with the 2006 edition of The Game.
I’m a let’s-watch-the-world-burn type guy, so sign me up for 2006.
DM question from Josh Arendsen:
Hi Scott! Long time first time. I have been seeing a lot of people give there favorite office episodes during this quarantine. Would really like to hear your list in your next newsletter.
The Office is probably my most-watched TV show of all time. It was in its initial run right while I was in college, so it was actually a weekly staple for the Michigan Daily sports crew to finish the Friday paper, head over to a co-workers place and have The Office on in the background while we either did a power hour or played beer pong or did something else that we thought made us really cool at the time. I’ve gone through the series from start to finish multiple times on Netflix, and in between (back when Netflix was a thing that mailed you discs and streaming wasn’t a thing — God I’m old), I actually owned all of the seasons on DVD, too, so I’d also watch them that way. All of this is not just an excuse to brag about how poorly I managed my time before having children, but also as a way to let you all know that I’m uniquely qualified to make these rankings.
It's tempting to just choose five of the two-part episodes so I can fit twice as much show into my rankings. I think five different double episodes (The Job: s3e24-25, Goodbye Toby: s4e18-19, Stress Relief: s5e14-15, Niagara: s6e4-5 and The Delivery: s6e18-19) fit that criteria. But I already use cop-outs too often when I’m asked to rank things, so I’m only going to use one of those double episodes as part of my top 5. Here goes nothing:
No. 5: The Dundies: Some people like The Office for the laughs. Others prefer it for the characters/storylines. I’m somewhere in the middle, and that’s where the Dundies sits on the “what makes it a great episode” spectrum. It probably isn’t one of the five most impactful episodes in terms of plot development and it probably isn’t one of the five most laugh out loud funny episodes, either, but its a nice melting pot of both elements, which is enough to earn it the No. 5 spot in my list. We get more seeds of Jim-Pam romance, which, even if we all got sick of it by the end of the series, was the center of the show during its “glory years” in seasons 2-5. And you get some great Michael Scott riffs during the Dundies, the season where he really came into his own. Season 1 took a little time to get its footing, but the Dundies helped launch Season 2, where the show really found its identity and produced probably its most consistently great season of television during its 9-year run.
No. 4: The Deposition: Act 2 of this episode might be the best act in the entire series. Everything about Michael Scott getting deposed is fantastic, from him becoming legitimately frustrated with his jokes being butchered when they’re read back, to elements of his diary being read and everything in between. Jan’s character never gets mentioned when it comes to peoples’ favorites, and she wouldn’t make mine, either, but her character was so important to Michael becoming such a great character, because she’s a perfect foil to his lovable idiocy. An important part of this series, though, is that Michael isn’t a complete bufoon 24/7, and the way he wraps up the episode and makes the “right” decision shows the multi-dimensional nature that ends up making his character be so likeable as the series progresses.
No. 3: Product Recall: This episode is probably best known for the Jim-Dwight “Bears, Beats, Battlestar Gallactica” back-and-forth. And while that’s one of their more iconic bantering sessions, this episode makes my top 3 because I think it probably has the most gold packed into a single, 22-minute episode. Andy dating a high schooler is a perfect b plot and a way to utilize Jim and Andy in an episode where they otherwise don’t have much stuff to do. Everything about Michael Scott and his desire to deal with the press is hilarious to me, though I concede that it might be a little niche for me given my day job. His desired headline when it comes to “getting out in front of the story” will always be hilarious to me. But this episode also vaulted Creed into the spotlight for one of the first times in the series. And everything Creed touched turned into gold. I think he was a much bigger fixture in the latter half of the series because of episodes like this.
No. 2: Dinner Party: This was the closest candidate to jump into the top spot. And it’s often cited by Office fans as their favorite episode. I’d stop one spot shy of saying that, but I do think it displays what made the show so great better than any other episode in the series did — creating cringeworthy, uncomfortable moments that can’t help but make you laugh. Scott’s Tots is probably the most cringeworthy episode in series history, but Dinner Party does it better in a way that simultaneously entertains you. And if you watched the show as it unfolded and weren’t first introduced to it through binge-watching, this episode was particularly great because it was the first episode back after the writer’s strike ended (the same strike that ruined Season 2 of Friday Night Lights).
No. 1: Stress Relief: I had to include one double episode on the list. Because it’s the definitive episode of the series in my opinion. The fact that they structured season 5 in a way that would allow this to be NBC’s offering to air immediately after the Super Bowl shows how those internally felt about the episode, too, and reinforces just how popular the show was at the time for getting that Super Bowl slot. The episode includes too many iconic moments in Office lore not to get the top spot: Dwight’s CPR scene is my favorite of all time, the opening fire drill scene is what many would consider their favorite show opener, and Michael’s “boom, roasted” construction has been adopted by roughly 25% of the human poulation at some point over the past decade. No need to overthink things, this is the GOAT Office episode.
Twitter question from Steven Threet:
Congratulations to Steven on becoming the first former Michigan QB to get a question answered in my mailbag. For others, like Tom Brady, Jim Harbaugh and Denard Robinson — please keep on trying. I can only answer so many questions each week.
As for the question at hand …
Michigan football
Assuming we’re talking about recent history, the obvious answer here would near the end of the third quarter on Nov. 26, 2016, when Michigan forced an Ohio State punt while up double digits. And while that might be the correct answer and I’m just getting cute and overthinking things, I think another very suitable answer that’s two years more recent would be the afternoon of Nov. 17, 2018. No, it doesn’t have much to do with Michigan beating Indiana (though extending a win streak to 10 games, nine of which were of the double-digit variety is noteworthy, and a feat that most Michigan fans have already forgotten). It had to do with how I was reacting to the Maryland-Ohio State game.
Maryland held multiple leads throughout the game, including the game’s final seconds, and never trailed Ohio State until overtime. A Terrapin win would have clinched Michigan a solo division title and a berth in the Big Ten title game. But in the moment, I really didn’t care about the outcome of that game. In hindsight, probably dumb on my end, given the way Michigan’s game with Ohio State played out the following week in Columbus. But at the time, confidence was sky high, and my sights as a fan were beyond just gaining a trip to Indianapolis. Michigan was in the top 4 of the CFP, and the Maryland-Ohio State result really didn’t have any bearing on Michigan making the playoff. Win out, Michigan is in. Lose to Ohio State, and no CFP. Obviously the latter happened and the “Michigan can’t win big games” narrative just got more fuel added to its fire, but the feeling I had the week before the 2018 edition of The Game was probably the most optimistic I was since 2006.
Michigan basketball
I’m not going to lie. Walking into the Alamodome and settling into my seats for the National Championship Game two Aprils ago, I was feeling pretty good. And that’s not just because I had spent the last five hours pregaming on the Riverwalk (though I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a factor). I knew Villanova was the better team and the favorite to win the game, but Michigan felt like a team of destiny, and when you’re 40 minutes from a title and all you have to do is outscore on more team, it feels really attainable, and I had talked myself into the fact that I really might be two hours away from celebrating a national title.
But if your answer is anything but the 3:51 mark of the first half of the 2013 national title game, you’re not being honest to yourself. That’s the point of the game when Spike Albrecht hit a driving layup, giving Michigan a 12-point lead and forcing Louisville to call a timeout. That meant Michigan was 24 minutes away from a national title with 12 points in hand. I don’t really need to elaborate on what happened next, but it just felt like everything was clicking for Michigan that evening — it was almost halftime and Albrecht only had four fewer points than Louisville’s entire team did. I’m contractually obligated to finish this section off by reminding everyone that Burke’s block was clean.
Covid-19
Ask me in a couple months, No. 10. I have no doubt that we’re going to get through this, but I also have no doubt that our country is littered with selfish morons who are only going to prolong this struggle, which is already more difficult than it ever had to be before we got in our own way as a nation.
DM question from Austin Collison:
Mailbag question: You need to pick 5 former or current Michigan athletes to compete against the Space Jam aliens in an Olympic decathlon for the fate of the world, who are you picking?
I’m assuming you don’t want me to pick five track athletes, since that’s a bit of a cop out (though if that’s not against the rules, I’m liking my chances with Michigan track stars like Nick Willis — an Olympic silver and bronze medalist and, fun fact, one of the first people I interviewed as a freshman at the Michigan Daily — The Ofili sisters (Tiffany/Cindy), Geena Gall and Jeff Porter. You can also go the historic route and pick some names of multi-sport success past, like Thomas Wilcher (thanks for all the Cass Tech recruits!) and Willis Ward (one of the most important athletes in school history -- if you don't know much about him, do yourself a favor and read up about him).
But for the sake of casual fans, I’ll try and answer this with only recent football names that the general public would recognize.
Athlete 1: Denard Robinson (events: 100-meter dash, 400-meter run, 1500-meter run)
Athlete 2: Sam McGuffie (events: 110-meter hurdles, pole vault)
Athlete 3: Donovan Peoples-Jones (events: high jump, long jump)
Athlete 4: David Molk (events: shot put, discus)
Athlete 5: Joe Milton (event: javelin)
Bring it on, aliens.
That’s it for this week. Catch you on the flippity flip.
