Bag of Bell (Vol. 2): Hiding from expectations is for losers, reality TV talk, ranking the best and most overrated fast food options and why the Amazon/Ring doorbell combo is the devil
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Ok. Probably not the best time to start a newsletter that centers largely around sports. Hand up. That’s on me.
But maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. Anyone can share their thoughts on Michigan football or Michigan basketball. But how many people can speak with authority on the virtues of blowout diapers in comparison to the catastrophic wake that follows a missed nap? How many people can break down season 40 of Survivor one minute and pivot to a 2,000 word breakdown of fast food restaurants the next minute? We’re going to be embarking into a multi-month period full of uncertainty and general nonsense, and if there’s anyone whose true calling is embracing nonsense, it’s this guy right here.
For those of you weirdos who are subscribing to this newsletter for actual sports talk, I still sprinkled some of those questions in here, too. I even put them toward the top if you wanted to close out once I start talking about Love is Blind. And you’re welcome for that. But for what I assume is in the best interest of the majority of you, this thing is going to start going off the rails and heading in whatever direction you all want to take it. So keep sending questions (tweet me, leave them below as comments, slide into the DMs or e-mail me at bagofbell@gmail.com) — the more out there they are, the better.
On to this week’s questions:
DM question from Noah Arendsen:
Realistically, what are your expectations for Juwan Howard’s second year, with a very good recruiting class, some returners, some (key) guys leaving?
What you think Livers will ultimately decide to do?
See! Sports!
Simply put: I have high expectations for Juwan Howard’s second year and Michigan fans should, too. I've always thought it's weird when people actively try to avoid or talk down expectations. If you want to be a big-boy program, embrace it. With that said, there's clearly some uncertainty looming with some offseason decisions that can/will affect just how high my expectations are for Michigan's 2020-2021 season. The five biggest question marks heading into the offseason being:
Is Isaiah Livers back next year?
Is Franz Wagner back next year?
Does Isaiah Todd end up in Ann Arbor?
Does Josh Christopher end up in Ann Arbor?
Will there be any offseason changes with the coaching staff?
If Michigan can bat .750 in those first four categories, I think expectations should be a Big Ten Championship and a top 2 seed in the NCAA tournament.
The fifth bullet accounts for something that is possible (though now probably bumped down from “likely,” which is what I would have called it 48 hours ago) this offseason. Juwan Howard put together a great staff that has complemented him well and helped make up for the fact that he was a first-time head coach. But it also means some of these highly regarded assistants could get poached. I think the two most likely to leave would have been Saddi Washington and Phil Martelli. Washington was the frontrunner to land at Western Michigan, his alma mater, until it was announced he’d be staying at Michigan — a huge “recruiting” win for Howard and Co. That leaves Martelli, arguably the most underemployed assistant coach in America. Martelli is a long-time head coach that probably isn’t looking to set up roots as an assistant coach, and many expected this to be a bridge year for him until he found another head coaching job. It’s very possible Howard knows Martelli is on his way out and the carrot he dangled to keep Washington in Ann Arbor was Martelli’s assistant head coach title, along with the bump in salary that comes with it. Please note that’s pure speculation on my end, though.
Either way, Martelli leaving wouldn’t be unexpected and it won’t bring down the program, but it will add another layer of change and uncertainty in an offseason that’s going to be full of it. Between coronavirus stuff, losing multiple starters to graduation, bringing in a massive incoming class and some TBD attrition, there won’t be many dull moments in Ann Arbor heading into next fall. Bringing in a new coach and having him learn the team and having the team learn him is another possible factor that could change the trajectory of the season, but not at the level of the first four things I listed.
As for how I see those four playing out: I think 3 of the 4 is the safest bet, with 2 of the 4, 4 of the 4, 1 out of 4 and 0 of the 4 being the next four likeliest ways it plays out. I’m not a recruiting expert and I’m not privy to Livers or Wagner’s specific plans so I’m not going to speculate on which ones are most and least likely. But I can conceivably see any of the four things go in either direction. Livers probably isn’t ready to play in the NBA, but is he really going to be able to showcase his talent more as a senior with a bunch of alphas coming in and his need to be “the guy” probably lessened? Wagner didn’t put up huge numbers as a freshman, but he closed the season strong and his youth/pedigree/defense are already selling points that won’t necessarily improve with another year of college ball. Todd is committed to Michigan but everyone has heard the speculation about him playing overseas instead. And everything looks great right now for Christopher to eventually commit and end up in Ann Arbor, but things can always change in recruiting, especially with the recruiting/signing schedule all out of whack because of the coronavirus.
Long story short: Michigan is going to be really good next year. Be excited. Embrace the expectations. But if things play out like they could this offseason, “really good” has the chance to end up being “great.”
E-mail question from Ryan Schreiber:
Love the newsletter idea. Executed beautifully so far.
But I need to know where you and the wife picked up the toddler recliner. We've been looking for a chair for our 21-month old, and I'm not a huge fan of the typical brightly-colored foam-filled chair with a first name embroidered on the seatback.
(First of all — fun fact: Ryan was my press box neighbor for the 2007 Rose Bowl. The view from that press box with the field right in front of you and the San Gabriel Mountains in the background is one of the greatest views in all of sports. I can't imagine how great of an experience it was for someone like Ryan with all of that going on plus getting to sit next to me. A life bucket list event, I'm sure.)
As for the actual question, I assume it’s coming after the photo in last week’s mailbag of my super-cute son sitting in his toddler recliner. And yes, the chair is awesome. Though I need to warn you ahead of time: You should adjust your expectations if you’re hoping a toddler is going to sit still in anything for more than 30 seconds.
Unfortunately, that’s where my helpful advice ends. Where did it come from? This gets the same answer about 90% of the things in my house would get: Who the hell knows?
It shows up the same way almost everything else does — on the porch courtesy of the kind folks at Amazon.
I used to think Amazon was the greatest, most convenient thing ever. And I was half right. It is the most convenient thing ever. But its convenience is the reason it’s not the greatest thing ever.
This is not an exaggeration. In the final six weeks of 2019, the Bell household averaged between 3-4 Amazon packages delivered to the front door every day. I know this because we made the stupid decision of installing a Ring doorbell. So not only am I seeing these massive credit card statements each month and coming home to multiple boxes sitting at my front door each day, the knife is twisted over the course of my workday when I get an alert on my phone every time a stupid package gets dropped off. If the delivery guy not only drops it off but also rings the doorbell, it means I get double the alerts — a motion detection alert and a doorbell rung alert.
And we’re about to come full circle here, because this ties back in to last week’s newsletter, where I talked about just how harmful a missed nap can be. It’s super frustrating to have anything stand in the way of a successful nap. But if it’s a courageous solicitor or an overzealous delivery guy ringing the doorbell who interupts said nap, those thoughts of frustration turn into thoughts of homicide reaaaally quick.
There’s a reason this sign now sits at the entrance of the Bell household:
I’m sorry that this veered off track a bit. Toddler recliners are cute. Amazon delivery is the worst thing to happen to society since The Big Bang Theory hit syndication. And Ring doorbell just makes the experience all the more excruciating. #buylocal #unlessjeffbezoswantstosponsormynewsletter
Twitter question from …uh, “Ugggh to everything”:
Very appropriate username given everything that’s going on in the world right now. Way to lock that one up before election season really kicks into high gear.
Also, God Bless you for both having five children and loading up what I imagine has to be a small bus to trek everyone to the Big House each fall to see a game for what I imagine is not a small sum of money. I have anxiety bringing my two kids to the gas station to fill my car up.
With that out of the way, there really aren’t many options this fall. But I hope to God this coronavirus mess is sorted out by then so there are at least some options.
Since Michigan opens up on the road against Washington and the Big Ten has a 9-game conference schedule, there are only two home non-con games to choose from — a Week 2 game against Ball State and a Week 3 game against Arkansas State. They’re only a week apart, so the weather factor should be a wash. Arkansas State is the better program, but both games should (knock on wood) be fairly easy wins for Michigan, with Ball State likely being a blowout and Arkansas State probably being a ~20-point win. With that in mind, I’d lean toward Arkansas State. Ticket prices might be a little more reasonable because Ball State’s could potentially be inflated a bit with it being the home opener/first game in town for nine months. And from a strictly football standpoint, Arkansas State is the more aesthetically pleasing team to watch. They have a really fun offense, and even though they’re losing a great 1-2 receiving punch in Omar Bayless and Kirk Merritt, there's still some serious talent on that offense, with Jonathan Adams being a potential breakout star now that he'll step into the go-to guy role. They’ve got one of the best G5 coaches in America in Blake Anderson, a guy I fully expected to get poached as part of this past offseason’s coaching carousel. But oh well, why hire a guy that's posted six winning seasons in six years at ARKANSAS STATE and has a .750 career conference record when you can get someone like Mel Tucker for the low price of $5.5 million/year.
Twitter question from Nick McLaren:
If I’m feeling Mexican food, I’m almost certainly going to choose neither. I live in Texas, after all, so there are usually about five different Mexican food options every block. But if I have a gun to my head and I have to choose one, I guess I’d go with Chipotle. Neither cracked my top 2 go-to places on campus when I was an undergrad at Michigan (I was team Big Ten Burrito, with Pancheros as my back-up plan).
As for the power ranks, here’s what my top 10 would be, assuming you want me to keep this to chains.
Chick-fil-A: And it’s not even close. The gap between No. 1 and No. 2 is larger than the gap between No. 2 and No. 10. Best service hands down. A rare restaurant that has a good, useful app w/ actual nice rewards. A surprisingly diverse menu in terms of options when you consider it’s “a chicken place” (hello new Mac & Cheese) and you can actually have a relatively healthy meal there for fast food standards (grilled chicken sandwich, spicy southwest salad, market salad all good options). I’d say 75% of my fast food trips in the past few years have been to Chick-Fil-A. Just a clear cut above the rest.
Five Guys: This is the choice when you’re in the market for a quick burger that isn’t going to taste like garbage. There aren't many fast food places where you can get grilled mushrooms and jalapenos on your burger. Their fries are elite when compared to fast food contemporaries (both in terms of portion and the cajun flavoring) and milk shakes are a good, unique offer, too. They have great keto options and presentation, too, if that’s your cup of tea.
Whataburger: I will be exiled from Texas if Whataburger doesn’t appear in my top 5. I’m actually not a big fan of their burgers (or basically any fast-food burgers, save for notable exceptions in this list), but Whataburger has an eclectic menu and it’s not an understatement to say it’s basically a religion down here. My go-to choice here is actually the Honey BBQ Chicken Strip Sandwich -- three chicken strips w/ cheese and bbq sauce smothered on both sides in between two pieces of Texas toast.
Slim Chickens: I did some research and this is over 100 franchises, so I’m allowing it as a “national chain.” I’ve only been recently introduced to it, but it takes top of class honors for me when it comes to all of the chicken strip places (i.e. Canes, PDQ, Zaxby’s, Laynes). They offer 15+ different sauces for the strips, with spicy BBQ being my favorite. And their raspberry iced tea is probably the best fast food drink option any place on this list offers.
Shake Shack: This comes in behind Five Guys on my “acceptable fast food burger” list. It’s relatively new to the Dallas area, so lines are still a little obnoxious, but I guess that’s indicative of the quality of the food. A solid way to close out my top 5.
Firehouse Subs: As the son of a firefighter who served for more than 30 years, I’m a sucker for their mission, where they help fund equipment and education for first responders. Helps that the food is pretty good, too. Since I no longer live in Ann Arbor and can’t go to DiBellas — my all-time favorite sub place — when I’m feeling a hunger for subs, Firehouse is my go-to chain. The Firehouse Meatball and the Smokehouse Beef and Cheddar Brisket subs are my two go-to choices.
Steak 'n Shake: This was higher on my list when I lived in Michigan because half of the places above it on the list weren’t in Michigan at the time. The 24-hour nature of it was very clutch and it was the go-to destination for a post-concert or post-sporting event meal at the tail end of a drive home. Good shakes. The patty melt is my go-to choice for food. Points are deducted for the shoestring fries, which are garbage.
Fazoli's: I’m fully aware that fast food and Italian food do not typically match, but this gets a spot on my list as a guilty pleasure entry. It also gets help in the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” category, because Fazoli’s is the only submission on my list that’s not available near Dallas. Something about the free breadsticks and being able to get cheap, greasy pizza without having to leave your car holds a special place in my heart. It was a frequent stop for me as a high school student when I would drive back home from Norton Pines after tennis practice in the winter (yes, I realize the irony in doing tennis drills for a couple hours to get in shape for tennis season, only to eat pizza and breadsticks on the drive back home. God Bless America.)
Wingstop: Need to sneak a wings place in here. And while a lot of wings places are pretty similar, Wingstop gets my nod here because the Louisiana Voodoo Fries and cajun fried corn are really nice, clutch sides that go along with the wings.
Sonic: Closing this top 10 out with a dad choice. There’s nothing special about the food at Sonic, but any place you can swing by and appease the kids with cherry limeades or by being able to get a quick grilled cheese when you’re on the go and don’t have time to chook, it’s clutch and deserves a spot in here — even if it’s a throwaway spot at No. 10. Happy Hour is a good concept and it’s a smart way to draw people in during the summer for a fun, cheap drink. And behind Chick-Fil-A, Sonic probably has the best app on the market that actually includes pretty decent rewards.
(Also, I looked it up -- Torchy's Tacos has 55 locations, but it still seems very centralized to Texas, so I'm not including it as a “chain.” But if I was, it would be 1b right behind Chick-Fil-A.)
When it comes to most overrated, here’s my top 5. Please note that these aren’t necessarily the five worst fast food restaurants, but the five most overrated — i.e. places that are really hyped but aren’t worthy of said hype.
In ‘N Out: I’m guessing this will lead to a couple unsubscribes to this newsletter, but I refuse to apologize for telling the truth. In ‘N Out is … just ok. The burger is slightly above average. The fries are below average. I know that it’s cool to love In ‘N Out and I’ll be flooded with “BUT DID YOU KNOW THEY HAD A SECRET MENU!?!?” and “ANIMAL STYLE FOR LIFE” responses, but In ‘N Out isn’t really that special once it reaches your market. When I was in college and went to LA for the Rose Bowl, I absolutely tested out In ‘N Out because of all the hype. And it was fine. I’d make return trips back when I was in Vegas or another place that had it. And it was fine then, too. But now that they’re all over the DFW Metroplex, the novelty has worn off quite quickly. It’s fine. It’s not this mythically awesome restaurant that produces manna from the heavens. It’s a fine fast food restaurant.
McDonald’s/Burger King/Wendy’s: There’s really no justifiable reason to eat at any of The Big 3 unless you’re on a roadtrip and you’re at an exit with no other options.
Raising Cane’s: Like In ‘N Out, it’s certainly not one of the five worst fast food places, but it’s criminally overrated based on how much people drool over it on social media. The Texas toast is great. Everything else is painfully average. Bonus points deducted for forcing their Cane’s sauce on you and not offering any other options.
Subway: The fact that this used to pass for “healthy food” is criminal.
Taco Bell: Hate to slander a member of the Bell family, but I’ve never bought into the Taco Bell hype. The price point is great. The taste? Not so much.
DM question from Brian Caulkins:
Better reality tv. Bachelor or love is blind and why ?
This coronavirus stuff is obviously awful, with very few silver linings. But along with the fact that I no longer have a soul-crushing commute each morning and afternoon, the other pseudo positive to at least momentarily come out of this is the fact that I’ve had the chance to catch up on some TV I’ve fallen behind on. That includes Love is Blind, which me and the wifey hammered out in 2-3 days. Love is Blind was really absurd, over-the-top and ridiculous. In other words: it was perfect.
I don’t have the time to watch as much TV as I did before there were small humans living under my roof — especially now that Disney+ is a thing. But when I do watch TV, I’m typically in the mood to watch really dumb, entertaining stuff where I can just turn my brain off and come a couple steps closer to Idiocracy. Love is Blind definitely falls under that category. And while The Bachelor probably does, too, and while I may have to forfeit my FWAA membership by admitting this since I appear to be the only person in the college football media who doesn’t live tweet episodes every week: I don’t watch the Bachelor, so Love is Blind is my answer to your question by default.
I have a pretty good excuse to hold a grudge against The Bachelor. When I was a senior in high school, I was the keeper for our varsity soccer team. One game, I got kicked pretty hard in the face during a game. I played through it and I didn’t have a concussion or anything, but my nose was pretty jacked up and bled during and after the game. I went home after the game and my nose continued to bleed for upwards of a couple hours, to the point where I told my mom I needed to go to the hospital to get it checked out. She was in the process of watching the Bachelor, and told me to wait 30 minutes because … wait for it … the rose ceremony on the Bachelor hadn’t happened yet.
It ended up being a ruptured nasal septum or something like that and I didn’t end up dying. And I think the statute of limitations for pressing charges for child abuse has passed anyway. But I’m pretty sure that traumatic event has scarred me to the point where I can never watch the Bachelor again without being triggered. Luckily, the girl my mom wanted to win didn’t win, so #karma.
Anyway, I love crappy reality TV. It’s basically the only reason I still watch network TV. But the “finding love” subgenre isn’t really my lane. I’m much more into the shows that center around competition and gameplay than the Jerry Springer stuff.
Since this is has sort of turned into the making lists edition of this newsletter, I might as well share my top 5, which Love is Blind has managed to sneak into.
Survivor: The GOAT show. Forty seasons and counting. I hate spoilers so I won’t talk about the current season or the most recent episode, but it’s pretty amazing how the series has gone this long and has continued to evolve to make consistently compelling drama and competition. I’ve been worried in recent years that they’ve relied too much on returning players and twists and gimmicks. But most of the latest no returnees season has been great, and this season with all returnees has been good, too. I just don’t want them to go into the returnee well too often. When there are returning players, though, they need to do it like this season and have it be all returning players. Seasons with 16 newbies and four returnees are routinely the most annoying ones, especially when they add gimmicks to the season designed to keep them on camera when/if they’re targeted early.
The Challenge: This is the closest thing to a dating show that I liked previously, because it continues to evolve into more and more of a hookup/drama show than a show centered around competition, which it was at its infancy. But I really like the idea of recurring characters and ongoing storylines and the production value/prize pool continues to improve so I think the show will continue to thrive. I don’t like a lot of the new school characters, but producers know they need to keep the franchise healthy for the long term, and while the Bananas and CTs and Wesses of the world have shown resilience, they’re going to have to retire at some point, so I understand why they’re dipping into the Ex On The Beach-type characters.
Big Brother: Big Brother could conceivably be anywhere from 2-4 on the list. In a vacuum, I don’t like the show format as much as others and I think production gets in the way of the result too often. But its placement on the TV schedule is clutch and really does the show a ton of favors. It’s not necessarily the advantage it was in the pre-streaming days when the summer was a complete void of new programming, but Big Brother is a staple in my summer entertainment schedule just because there isn’t as much on TV and it’s much easier to commit to a show that takes a couple hours of time commitment each week if it’s not competing with other shows. These days it’s going to compete with some Netflix releases and things of that nature, but it still doesn’t have to go up against big network or cable shows.
The Amazing Race: A very safe, enjoyable show. It’s a cool way to see the world and it’s competition at its core. Not a lot of bells and whistles or contrived drama, but it’s well-produced and well-thought out, which is probably why is its won the Emmy in its category double-digit times and was basically a staple to win every year until The Voice came along.
Love Is Blind: Earned a spot in the top 5 after a very promising first season. I’m sure there will be many more seasons of ridiculousness to come. They just need to be careful and not actively try to cast a Jessica every season, because there’s a fine line between hate-watching and true annoyance to the part of wanting to flip it to something else, and by the time we reached the end of the season, the cringe factor was so high every time she was on TV I wanted to put my head in a trash compactor.
Twitter question from Mike:
I think I’m contractually obligated the answer the first newsletter question that mentions Fremont, Michigan — my hometown and the place I lived for the first 18 years of my life. But since 99% of the people subscribing to this have no idea where or what Fremont is, I’ll keep this one short and sweet to round out this week’s mailbag.
Best burger at the squirrel: How can you not choose something called the Artery Clogger?
Best pizza or sub at Spanky’s: Sign me up for the BBQ chicken pizza, but if you’re going to Spanky’s for any reason other than to embarrassingly gorge down a dozen of their world famous breadstix, you’re doing it very, very wrong.
Other Fremont favorites: Chicken, Bacon, Ranch grinder from Mancinos. A handmade raspberry iced tea from the Koffee Kuppe. A flight of beer at Brew Works. And last but certainly not least: Judy Bell’s chocolate chip cookies.
How does a favorite meal from Fremont, MI not involve a Gerber's-based sauce? I call shenanigans.